Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
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*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot