Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.

My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.

I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm

“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit

Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.

Aim at his smartphone.

He’ll die faster.

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.