Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
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Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.