My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
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Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.