life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
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My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
A classic…
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.