Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

[At the restaurant]

One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.

Well damn. Winter weather during the winter. What the hell is that all about?

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I’m a vegan

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

$3 #books

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?

It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

detective: take him away boys

video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED

YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly

“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

God has left this place

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?

my brain: yup!

me: where did we put those?

my brain:

me:

my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.