life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
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Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty