Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got to our Airbnb!

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!

Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*

B Boys: not like that

*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”

{Guidance counselor glares at them}

Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.

A family that plays together cheats.

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo

Her: what?

Me: no his hearing is fine

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps

When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.

Posted from my iPhone

I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.