life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
You Might Also Like
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
🤣🤣💀
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.