Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

“my eye is up here”

-Illuminati pyramid

my sentiments exactly

Where have you been all my life?

Can you go back there?

“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back

If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.

One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.

wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.

replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case