Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.

Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.

Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap

Me: 3 miles today.

Him: On the treadmill?

Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.

Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.

Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?

Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.