Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
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The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
sigh
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.