Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
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My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Boating season is upon us.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
When someone trying to leave me
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”