Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
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Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
My current wife says she doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!