Life is short. Stop to smell the roses. Take a walk in the rain. Be nice to a stranger. Hold up a convenience store.
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Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I always thought it was strange that Peter Parker works as a photographer…
Shouldn’t he be working in web design?