Life is short. Stop to smell the roses. Take a walk in the rain. Be nice to a stranger. Hold up a convenience store.
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‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.