Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.

Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.

The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.