Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
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Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.