Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!

tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy

i slept so well last night

guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that

I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.

Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]

[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.

Me: I thought you were going to read.

10-year-old: I am.

Me: You’re watching a movie.

10: I got it from the library.

Checkmate.

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

bury ourselves

Inside you there are two wolves

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…

North and South

Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.