Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*inventing the mirror*

“People don’t have enough to worry about.”

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?

BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.

the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.

Teacher:

Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.

My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?