Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I’ve got the longest to do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
