Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
