Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!

*blam!*

And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

are americans worse off?

in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I have no natural predators.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I literally live here.

God: yes.

Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?

God: exactly.

Gorilla: who is?

God: it’s kind of hard to explain-

Lion: did you tell him yet?

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

therapist: describe this picture

me: that’s my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren’t these normally ink blots

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window

My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

Put my back out twerking in the library again

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.