Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

🦝🔥🦝🔥

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit

Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.

Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.