Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

me: I need to buy a train ticket

employee: window or aisle

me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what

Me: *pointing gun at husband*

Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake

Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*

Me: but he does all of the laundry

Husband: oh no

*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.

once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”

January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…

Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants

12yo: WHAT

*Throws caution to the wind*

*gets covered in caution*