Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
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Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
How many? 🤔
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong