Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
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How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
my proudest tweet
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.