Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
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[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.