Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months

Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.

I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

Do furries go to doctors or vets?

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

Hike in groups. Bears like to have options

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.