Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
You Might Also Like
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
