Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

Me: I need to get something off my chest

Him: Here’s a towel

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.

I can’t stand when people need constant validation online. Like, comment, and retweet if you agree.

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”

Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]

mortician: sir

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”

I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN

An Autobiography

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.