Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please

Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99

Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.

These are too funny not to post 😂

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

😎

“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.