Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
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Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!