@SamGrittner

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

You Might Also Like

@EllaZee5

Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor

@skickwriter

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

@Dutch_50

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

@EricGoldie

I politely asked a woman on my flight if she could put her kid in the overhead compartment & she looked at me like I was crazy or something.

@JazminsThoughts

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

@briangaar

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

@AndrewChamings

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

@ZackBornstein

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

@OctopusCaveman

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

@amore_orless

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead