Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

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Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star

Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor


I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.


So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?


I politely asked a woman on my flight if she could put her kid in the overhead compartment & she looked at me like I was crazy or something.


You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.


Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”


inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no


Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.


My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.


Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead