My 8 year old was awake on the couch at 6 am and said “I always wake up at this time, Daddy” and I felt like I was in a horror movie trailer
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
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I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Kinda miss the days when rage smashing a phone just meant you looked at the three pieces on the floor, sighed, then picked them up and put the battery back in
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
6am: Too tired
8am: This isn’t so bad
1pm: OMG so tired
10pm: LETS SWIM THE ENGLISH CHANNEL & OVERTHINK FOR HOURS
[At a bank using a 4 color ball point pen]
*scrawls on napkin*
*Red* Put [click]
*Green* $$$ [click]
*Black* In [click]
*Blue* Bag [click]
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.