Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”