Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
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I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
I politely asked a woman on my flight if she could put her kid in the overhead compartment & she looked at me like I was crazy or something.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead