@SamGrittner

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

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@Mr_Kapowski

My 8 year old was awake on the couch at 6 am and said “I always wake up at this time, Daddy” and I felt like I was in a horror movie trailer

@HatfieldAnne

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

@ItsAllBollocks

Kinda miss the days when rage smashing a phone just meant you looked at the three pieces on the floor, sighed, then picked them up and put the battery back in

@QwertyJones3

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

@kelkulus

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

@ieatanddrink

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

@UnFitz

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

@SufficientCharm

6am: Too tired

8am: This isn’t so bad

1pm: OMG so tired

5pm: zombie

8pm: Dead

10pm: LETS SWIM THE ENGLISH CHANNEL & OVERTHINK FOR HOURS

@ShortSleeveSuit

[At a bank using a 4 color ball point pen]

*scrawls on napkin*

*Red* Put [click]
*Green* $$$ [click]
*Black* In [click]
*Blue* Bag [click]