Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
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You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I’m not proud
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.