Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
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– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Good Morning.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.