Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
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[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
The Others (2001)
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
This raises questions
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time