Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
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For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
*eats only grass-fed donuts
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.