life lately
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Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.