life lately
You Might Also Like
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
can’t talk my ride’s here
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific