life lately
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My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
