life lately
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Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*