Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
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That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
how it started vs how it ended
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
