Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat

“Bro I hate my eyebrows”

“You serious bro?”

“I think they’re too big, bro”

“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”

“Bro :’)”

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am

Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.

astrology is fake.

my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming

Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?

Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*

Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.

her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol

me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.

bugs when you lift up a rock

Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?

Farmer: Barley.

Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.