Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
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[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
the #horror is real!
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.