Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula

Moving tip: don’t learn how to read

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: *takes deep breath*

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol

Benihana Chef: ha ha

Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

Things are finally coming to a head.

~inspirational zit

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

A sick whale is called an unwhale

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s

CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.

It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.

Ma’am, it’s moving.

I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.