[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
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If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
#Caturday
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!