Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!

My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

me: which suit should I wear

her: I like both

[later]

her: how did the interview go

me: he asked why I wear two suits

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

Growing out my freckles.

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you

doctor: do you drink alcohol?

me: yeah a couple times a week

doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant

My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.