Life: let’s gooo
Road conditions: fuck you
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I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
4 y/o is requesting that I have five more children “so [she] can fight them” ???????
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.