Life: let’s gooo
Road conditions: fuck you
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Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
A family that plays together cheats.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it