Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

no cat here

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

Wife: Good morning handsome

Me: Hi

Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you

Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?

Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again

Me: There it is

well this is just bullshirt

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

My wife says the kids look just like their father…

…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do

Wins the Internet today. Night, all…

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”

Me: How was your first day of school?

5-year-old: Long.

Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?

Is anyone gonna tell them?

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.

Failed Pickup Lines:

“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?