Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
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Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
The 4 stages of a family vacation
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.