Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it

Her: idk google it

Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting

Her: *googling DIY annulment*

#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

Windows

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner

💻🤡

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner

ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive

Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions