Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
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An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
when unicorns get really drunk
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash