Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

I think they could have phrased this better

Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

[date]

Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?

Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.

Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.

Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.

cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?

The options really are this bad

[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

(Boarding flight to Iowa)

9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?

12 yo: corn on the cob

9 yo: what else?

12 yo: corn off the cob

That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened

Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off