Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars

Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

Murderer 1: well this is awkward

Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!

Murderer 1: how’s Carol?

Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-

Me: EXCUSE ME

Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”

-nobody

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”

Ken is short for chicken

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

You have been warned.

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.