Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
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I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.