[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
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Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again