Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”

People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]

*breaks wind*

Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.

When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again

Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid

I see a badly-tied bin liner.

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.