Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
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You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.