Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license

DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out

I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.