Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
You Might Also Like
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.