Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
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As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,
IT’S NOT.
except for that one from earlier
maybe?
Regards,
Ry
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”