Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
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If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.