Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.

That guy is a genius.

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

HER: I think we should break up

ME: But…why?

HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both

Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

me: oh, I have a great ide…

wife: no

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed

Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!