Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
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Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
This story lives rent free in my head:
Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.
Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
What a website
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”