Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
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Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Yes, but it was never about money
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra