Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
You Might Also Like
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”