Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
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FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.