@MouthOfSass
@iRowlf
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
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@iRowlf
@shariv67
When villainy didn’t pay anymore, The Riddler got a job writing furniture assembly instructions for IKEA.
@kimlockhartga
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
@clichedout
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
@WilliamAder
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
@4boding
You haven’t built just a wall around you; you’ve constructed a bomb shelter inside a nuclear bunker set into the side of a mountain.
@sofarrsogud
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
@ddsmidt
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
@Brianhopecomedy
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
@junejuly12
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.