Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
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[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
bears
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.