Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man

wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula

*dracula turns into a bat*

*wolf man turns into a wolf*

godzilla: weird flex, but ok

*eats them both*

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.

cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.

I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?