Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real

humpty dumpty: watch me

[several minutes later]

me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you

Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.

What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut

*pronounces woah like Noah*

I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

him: you’re not like other girls

me, at the urinal next to him: how

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?

Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.